jueves, 14 de octubre de 2010
SooooO I FeeL lIkE I HAte YoUUU! Plainly unsatisfied..
So much insatisfaction…unsatisfied with you, with me, with everything. Unsatisfied with this blog it just suchs. Maybe its just that I feel sick but the unsatisfaction has taken over me even feeling sick. Dont get out its too hot! No money, no nothing, just God which seems so far sometimes. I have nothing else to say...
sábado, 18 de septiembre de 2010
Me case y ahora…El divorcio???
martes, 24 de agosto de 2010
Y AHORA???
Hoy estuve en el registro demografico de Puerto Rico para casarme con Alejandro. Me sentia alegre, feliz, emocionada q el viernes al fin me caso aunque no es mi boda de sueno pero ya al fin lo voy hacer con alguien; con Alejandro a quien quiero, amo, y tengo una hija con el. No tengo sortija, ni traje, ni flores, pero si tengo el entusiasmo tan grande de por lo menos firmar esos papeles q juran q esa persona te ama tanto como para estar contigo por la eternidad y hacerlo!
Y miro su cara… No dice nada. Pero estas entusiasmado! Estas feliz que al fin nos vamos a casar? Como te sientes? Aah…… A donde se fueron las palabras, los deseos de q fuera tu esposa, lo bonito, ese sentir dentro de ti q son como fireworks q explotan y te gozas??? Que esta pasando Alejandro? Estoy bien sabes q bajolas circumstancias de nuestra relacion nadie estaria brincando de alegria.
Nuevamente me baja y me voy… Casi 8 anos atras y pienso en Valentino. El olvidado, el preso, el fantasma, el q me amaba y se queria casar conmigo. A quien cuando cerraba los ojos a quien veia esperandome en un altar para casarme era a el a Valentino.
Astrid me pregunta te vas a casar? De verdad lo vas hacer? Even if he's not happy? What if you get hurt? Hurt? Ya a mi me han echo sufrir, ya a mi me ha dolido, y si me vuelve a doler lo llorare y despues q deje de llorar me levantare y seguire andando. Lo unico q se puede hacer en esos procesos es llorar y sentirlos en la carne de tu cuerpo despues seguir andando q poco a poco se sanan las heridas.
Pero si espero poder tener la familia q quiero y he querido.
Y ME VOY DANDO CUENTA DE LA MISMA HISTORIA CON ALEJANDRO
DICIEMBRE 29 DE 2008: OTRA CARTA ALEJANDRO
pero mas q eso esto esta siendo mi terapia pa desahogarme o algo asi. pq lo comparto contigo ALEJANDRO? yo me pregunto lo mismo pero tu eres parte de esto and its because of u. uve become my inspiration to write again y te digo mas siempre me has inspirado a muchas cosas, pero eso son otros 20 pesos.
Que procesito! mejor dicho que procesaso!!!! wow! she never thought she would go through this, she though of a happy ending, she thought of a family, she thought of him as her husband. the one and only, her friend and companion. but... she needed to get that out her head she needs to be strong. she needs to learn that other people are their own people and that she cant obligate anyone. and theres 2 sides to that cause in one she would tell him "u aint going no where and ur staying here cause i dont give a crap" but thats not what it is. she doesnt want to cry to someone for him to love her and she doesnt want to have to spy on her man to see what hes doing. ALL SHE WANTED FROM HIM WAS FOR HIM TO LOVE HER and only her, BC HE WANTED TO, NOT BC SHES MAKING HIM TO.
The same way she was never obligated to love, she chose to love, she chose to love him, she chose to make a life with him, and she chose him, because she wanted him, bc she saw beauty in him, she saw something diferent and special. but she didnt know that that beauty would hurt her, she didnt think that that friendship was rotten she never thought it was a fake! she actually believed in God first and then in him. She thought that what they had was soooo special, nada comun q se consigue por ahi. but now she sees its not special enough.
She dreamed it would be but it only stayed in her dreams. now she wants those dreams she had, to be real and not just dreams. she knows who she is! she is beautiful! ooooh sooo beautiful her face lights up a room. she has freedom: she is she and she's loved for that cause she's not a fake but sooo freaking cool! yes she loves the unusual, the strange and wacky maybe thats why she liked him soo much because he took her on another world or better said she took him to her worlds and he could tag along pq cual de los dos mas locosssss ajajajajajaj! uno en el 296.7 or what ever the # was y ella en su mente super unica. They actually made a great team, a great couple, a great pair. she went along with all his shits bc she could understand their quiet language, they understood their minds, maybe they were so much alike in some thing and not so much alike in others but thats what made it good. if u could only see how much they laughed. in bed the two where awsome.
he brought her to new heights and she wasnt scared of his possessiveness. Poor girl she really LOVEDDDDDD her relationship she was very happy with it. she still thinks about many things that bring a smile to her face but a dissapointment as well.
Where did amber & bock go??? y que de la medalla, o el vino??? all things that he experienced with her. what about the river and jumping from the cliff ajajaj! she really mises that.what do u say about the morning and their little caffeteria hooping which they enjoyed soooo much y era tan divertido? y que de todos las conversaciones. lo MUCHOOO q hablaban, lo mucho q se reian. y no se puede quedar el latigo!!!!! which she at least hopes that that was their spot. she goes back in their memories and what she finds is a heckload of awsome memories that at the same time fuck with her because how did those awsome times lead to this? por estupideces de nenes chiquitos? o por falta de amor, o conveniencia... ella no entiende!
Hoy es dia 6. todos los dias ella siente sus emociones, las siente en su cuerpo y en su mente. pero ella esta ahi bregando. bregando con ella. hes not her kid she cant make him do anything. but she still remembers all the good times in orlando at his house and in orlando at her house. in miami when she went to donate her eggs. what an experience! it was soo much fun, he was sooo nice she was inlove completely with him she saw the one, the one for her, the one she wanted.
pero mas q eso esto esta siendo mi terapia pa desahogarme o algo asi. pq lo comparto contigo ALEJANDRO? yo me pregunto lo mismo pero tu eres parte de esto and its because of u. uve become my inspiration to write again y te digo mas siempre me has inspirado a muchas cosas, pero eso son otros 20 pesos.
Que procesito! mejor dicho que procesaso!!!! wow! she never thought she would go through this, she though of a happy ending, she thought of a family, she thought of him as her husband. the one and only, her friend and companion. but... she needed to get that out her head she needs to be strong. she needs to learn that other people are their own people and that she cant obligate anyone. and theres 2 sides to that cause in one she would tell him "u aint going no where and ur staying here cause i dont give a crap" but thats not what it is. she doesnt want to cry to someone for him to love her and she doesnt want to have to spy on her man to see what hes doing. ALL SHE WANTED FROM HIM WAS FOR HIM TO LOVE HER and only her, BC HE WANTED TO, NOT BC SHES MAKING HIM TO.
The same way she was never obligated to love, she chose to love, she chose to love him, she chose to make a life with him, and she chose him, because she wanted him, bc she saw beauty in him, she saw something diferent and special. but she didnt know that that beauty would hurt her, she didnt think that that friendship was rotten she never thought it was a fake! she actually believed in God first and then in him. She thought that what they had was soooo special, nada comun q se consigue por ahi. but now she sees its not special enough.
She dreamed it would be but it only stayed in her dreams. now she wants those dreams she had, to be real and not just dreams. she knows who she is! she is beautiful! ooooh sooo beautiful her face lights up a room. she has freedom: she is she and she's loved for that cause she's not a fake but sooo freaking cool! yes she loves the unusual, the strange and wacky maybe thats why she liked him soo much because he took her on another world or better said she took him to her worlds and he could tag along pq cual de los dos mas locosssss ajajajajajaj! uno en el 296.7 or what ever the # was y ella en su mente super unica. They actually made a great team, a great couple, a great pair. she went along with all his shits bc she could understand their quiet language, they understood their minds, maybe they were so much alike in some thing and not so much alike in others but thats what made it good. if u could only see how much they laughed. in bed the two where awsome.
he brought her to new heights and she wasnt scared of his possessiveness. Poor girl she really LOVEDDDDDD her relationship she was very happy with it. she still thinks about many things that bring a smile to her face but a dissapointment as well.
Where did amber & bock go??? y que de la medalla, o el vino??? all things that he experienced with her. what about the river and jumping from the cliff ajajaj! she really mises that.what do u say about the morning and their little caffeteria hooping which they enjoyed soooo much y era tan divertido? y que de todos las conversaciones. lo MUCHOOO q hablaban, lo mucho q se reian. y no se puede quedar el latigo!!!!! which she at least hopes that that was their spot. she goes back in their memories and what she finds is a heckload of awsome memories that at the same time fuck with her because how did those awsome times lead to this? por estupideces de nenes chiquitos? o por falta de amor, o conveniencia... ella no entiende!
Hoy es dia 6. todos los dias ella siente sus emociones, las siente en su cuerpo y en su mente. pero ella esta ahi bregando. bregando con ella. hes not her kid she cant make him do anything. but she still remembers all the good times in orlando at his house and in orlando at her house. in miami when she went to donate her eggs. what an experience! it was soo much fun, he was sooo nice she was inlove completely with him she saw the one, the one for her, the one she wanted.
HOY…UNA CARTA MAS PARA ALEJANDRO.
ALEJANDRO:
HOY no sigo entendiendo que pasa contigo Alejandro. Es otra carta q escribo para verbalmente no caer en el fuego de tu boca, y todavia nada. Siento como si estubieras molesto conmigo por lo del matrimonio. Me tienes confundida, YA COMO QUE NO SE DE TI. Hasta con cartas me tengo q comunicar. Yo pensaba que iba a poder celebrar q me iba o voy a casar este viernes pero parece q no! Ahora me causa verguenza… Imaginate q decidas q no te quieres casar y ya todos lo saben q cara voy a tener? Parecere una misma idiota, una pobre victima para otros. Entiendo q hemos tenido problemas y nuestra relacion NO ES DEL COLOR DE MI LIBRETA---ROSA! Pero siempre ha sido asi: ups and downs. Me puedes hablar… Con amor, respeto, tranquilo, sin gritar?
Tu no me cojes el celular. A lo mejor el mensaje me lo estas dando bien claro. Entonces pq dices q me amas? Por que eso no es amor! No quieres hablar conmigo, solo tenerme aqui? Do you want me to cutt it all off?
Lo unico que haces es decirme en lo q no sirvo, como no doy el grado ante ti, lo loca q estoy, lo stalker q me he puesto, como no sirvo como madre y que no atiendo ni a Zoe Mia, ni a Daniela (lo q pasa es q Zoe Mia es mas grande y no es tu hija so ni te importa mencionarla) pero con Dani no doy el grado.
If you want to hurt me, do it, pero no asi. Si no te quieres casar say it but do'nt try to put me down like if I wasn't worth shit or deserved at least a little respect. If you LOVE ME, then LOVE ME COMPLETELY! If you don't…then don't. I want a family, a loving and happy family; not a fake. A partner, not an individual that's just there. I WANT LOVE!
HOY no sigo entendiendo que pasa contigo Alejandro. Es otra carta q escribo para verbalmente no caer en el fuego de tu boca, y todavia nada. Siento como si estubieras molesto conmigo por lo del matrimonio. Me tienes confundida, YA COMO QUE NO SE DE TI. Hasta con cartas me tengo q comunicar. Yo pensaba que iba a poder celebrar q me iba o voy a casar este viernes pero parece q no! Ahora me causa verguenza… Imaginate q decidas q no te quieres casar y ya todos lo saben q cara voy a tener? Parecere una misma idiota, una pobre victima para otros. Entiendo q hemos tenido problemas y nuestra relacion NO ES DEL COLOR DE MI LIBRETA---ROSA! Pero siempre ha sido asi: ups and downs. Me puedes hablar… Con amor, respeto, tranquilo, sin gritar?
Lo unico que haces es decirme en lo q no sirvo, como no doy el grado ante ti, lo loca q estoy, lo stalker q me he puesto, como no sirvo como madre y que no atiendo ni a Zoe Mia, ni a Daniela (lo q pasa es q Zoe Mia es mas grande y no es tu hija so ni te importa mencionarla) pero con Dani no doy el grado.
lunes, 23 de agosto de 2010
Y VOLVIMOS A LA RUTINA...
EN ALGUN MOMENTO EN AGOSTO 2010
QUERIDISIMO ALEJANDRO AMADO:
Hace tiempo no escribo una carta y a lo mejor asi es mejor. No se como lo tomes pq nuevamente no se quien eres o en que mood estas; si te importa o no; si te va a molestar. Voy a tratar de que sea corta si no necesito tanto paple para escribir mis cortas lineas q te den a entender mi corazon. Ya yo ni se cuantos anos han sido en la trayectoria, en el caminar y correr contigo en subir y bajar. Hasta una hija tenemos q el mes q viene cumple su primer anito.
Hemos pasado 20 miles subes y bajas. Verdaderamente no se que quieres contigo mismo y mucho menos conmigo. Las acciones hablan y gritan mas alto que las palabras. Yo tengo y siento dolor. Estoy tratando de poner mi mejor cara ante mis problemas contigo Alejandro pero se sincero conmigo! Que es lo que esta pasando? Ya el viernes es una semana de los laboratorios para hacer nuestra relacion oficial y casarnos; ser marido y mujer por ley humana y divina. Alejandro Amado si no te quieres casar con mi Y que yo Gertrudis sea tu esposa, dimelo. No lo hagas. Si me va a dolor, destrozara mi corazon. Me molestaria por el dinero q se ha invertido en todo el proceso…pero no seria "FAKE." No serias un falso conmigo. Where are you? What happened? Estas confundido nuevamente? Pq tanta hostilidad conmigo, hacia mi? Pq la falta de amor…
I GUESS THIS WILL BE MY LOG…MAYBE A STORY DEC. 25TH 2008
Nuestra relacion a sido un sube y baja…
Desde siempre Alejandro q nos pasa? Q te pasa q ya no te encuentro? Me subes woo hoo no puedo estar mas arriba, mas alta, mas cerca al cielo y las estrellas. Siento la brisa dandole a mi cara y me lleno de paz y gozo. Amo, TE AMO.
Carta 2008:
The log of the process of me getting over you! In this log I will be writing especially to you of how Im doing. I probably make no sense but "thats what it is" like my friends from the O Town used to say.
So... Its hard??? But aint everything hard? yes it is! and it has not been any nicer on anyone. OOOOO its like I'm blogging my breakup! How exciting! (This is fresh)
So Her BF, marido at the moment came from VA and she picked him up AT the AIRPORT through Jetblue. He was already a mess, physically, mentally, hurt and pain, vomiting, a whole lotta everything. She picks him up takes him to the hospital and stayed with him the night and day. But hes confused he cant see her! he cant even see himself. tells her to leave trying to be sweet and pollite as possible. but he never saids the truth of what he hears inside that voice that is deeply inside.the one she knows because she knows him.
Day 1 was ok because she was still in shock and tired of working but it had been a good day at her job because she didnt know the news until after she got out.On day1 she saw HER (the other woman NEMESIS) and Gertrudis saw her. They were face to face and someone had to explain. The girl, Gertrudis, turned around and walked; then she stopped because tears were gonna come out and she couldn't leave that room crying like that. So they saw her tears and heard them too. They all talk briefly and he tried to play that he was knocked out sleepy. Until he sat up on his bed and saw them both infront of him. What Would he do???? Mummble? think of what other lie so he saids a lying truth. Nemesis:she's nice too good not saying that u arnt good but i cant keep her out of my mind…Alejandro said but no i luv u's came out. So then she asks about their things! The things they got together and how they;re gonna do? calm voice but hysterical inside.
When she walked in her world fell at her feet she didnt know what to feel. it was like if all named feelings in the jar fell on her. she walked like a zoombie completely in shock. that night she did something chilled with some people, and felt a lil better but that next morning was horribly hard for her to get out of bed. everything seemed soooo hard that day soooo heavy, too much silence and too much speaking. Work was horrible she couldnt work right, she was downnnnnnn. that was until 530pm after that she went to church heard the word (they had a ministry in mind, goals together things they wanted to work on and accomplish; you know Alejandro and her)) and felt peace but confusion. Then she felt bad for him because the enemy keeps stealing from him she also felt confused was every Godly experience that she lived with him were fake???? Too many questions came up.
By now it was raining and she was there interacting with the two big dogs Ares pitbull and Dolce boxer also with Titan the blue. Realizing that those animals are like their children thats the way she felt towards them and thats how they related. How painful bc its not just the person but the animals tooo that really screwed her as the night progress with her girl friend beside her to keep her company she started thinking on a million things like God for 1 she thought about him and all his things and how much she knows him then she understood why he was so significant for her and why she cherished him so much because she felt that she knew him she knew his faults and his craziness his bads always! the good she just knew who he was and thats why in a strange way she didnt feel rage but she felt pain for a friend. she really loved him and considered him however it was in a different way; in a way that out of this world if she could take her glasses and put them on him she would.....
despues de eses viaje se acordo q a ella la dejaron y q cuando tu dejas a alguien por otra persona tu no estas triste y tu no miras esas cosas. Pero por lo menos ya esta tomando unos pasos que la ayuden a llegar a la liberacion. lo unico q la jode es: habra sido verdad o mentira lo de Dios????
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